67% of employees say they don’t get enough feedback from their managers. But here’s what’s even more revealing: when they do get feedback, only 26% say it actually helps their performance. Sarah, a director I was coaching, too, was not sure what to do about it.
“I just don’t get it,” Sarah told me recently. “I gave my top performer, David, a glowing review on his last project, and he barely reacted. It was like he didn’t even care. But if I don’t tell my other employee, Emily, that she’s doing a great job every few days, she starts to doubt herself and her performance drops.”
Sarah was facing one of the most common and frustrating challenges in leadership: she was giving the right feedback in the wrong way. She was speaking a language her employees didn’t understand.
In my 35 years leading teams and coaching executives, I’ve found that the key to feedback that actually lands and motivates is understanding where a person gets their sense of validation from. It’s not a personality trait or a generational difference; it’s a fundamental internal processing style that determines how people receive and interpret your words.
The Two Hidden Validation Styles on Every Team
Research in organizational psychology shows that every employee has a default source they turn to when they ask themselves, “Have I done a good job?” Understanding this internal wiring is crucial for feedback that actually drives performance.
1. The “Inner Scorecard” People (Internally Referenced): These are your “David” types. They have a strong internal compass and they decide for themselves if their work meets the standard. They know inside when something is right. While they appreciate being respected, they don’t need your praise to feel validated. They are motivated by trust and autonomy.
2. The “Feedback-Driven” People (Externally Referenced): These are your “Emily” types. They look for outside evidence to know they’re on track. This evidence can be direct praise from you, positive performance metrics, or happy client testimonials. They are motivated by reassurance and clear external validation.
This isn’t about confidence levels or experience—I’ve seen 20-year veterans who are externally referenced and fresh graduates who are internally referenced. Trying to motivate an “Inner Scorecard” person with constant praise can feel disingenuous or even like micromanagement. Leaving a “Feedback-Driven” person without clear, positive reinforcement can feel like you don’t value their work, causing their confidence and performance to crumble.
The Hidden Cost of Mismatched Feedback
When managers don’t match their feedback style to their employee’s validation style, the consequences go beyond just awkward conversations:
- Internally referenced employees may start to question your leadership competence if you over-praise obvious work
- Externally referenced employees may assume poor performance when they don’t receive regular positive confirmation
- Team dynamics suffer when some employees appear “needy” while others seem “ungrateful”
- High performers leave because their validation needs aren’t being met
The solution isn’t more feedback or better feedback—it’s matched feedback.
How to Give Feedback That Actually Lands
The solution is to tailor your language to match your employees’ internal wiring. This approach has helped my executive clients reduce feedback-related conflicts by up to 80% while improving team performance.
For your “Inner Scorecard” employees like David:
- Use language of suggestion and respect for their judgment. They need to feel like they maintain control of their standards and decisions.
- Effective praise: “That was a great report. You must be really proud of how it turned out.” This validates their own internal judgment rather than imposing yours.
- Constructive feedback: “I’d suggest you consider looking at the data from another angle. Ultimately, you’ll know the best way to present it.”
For your “Feedback-Driven” employees like Emily:
- Be direct and provide specific, external proof. They need to hear it from you or see concrete evidence.
- Effective praise: “I was so impressed with that report. The client sent an email saying it was exactly what they needed.” This gives them concrete, positive evidence.
- Constructive feedback: “The expectation is that this section includes more data. Here’s an example of a report that hit the mark perfectly.”
Enjoying this article? For a much deeper dive, including advanced worksheets and case studies, check out my new eBook here.
How to Discover Your Team’s Validation Style
To quickly identify these patterns, ask this simple but revealing question during your next one-on-one:
“How do you know when you’ve done a good job on a project?”
Then listen carefully to their response:
- “Inner Scorecard” people will say things like: “I just know when it’s right,” “It just feels good,” “It meets my own standards,” or “I can tell when I’ve nailed it.”
- “Feedback-Driven” people will say things like: “When I get good feedback from you,” “When the client says they’re happy,” “When the numbers show it was a success,” or “When people tell me it’s working.”
How To Transform Others Using Their Feedback Style
When Sarah applied this framework, the change was immediate and dramatic. She stopped giving David generic praise that made him uncomfortable and started acknowledging his own high standards: “You clearly put a lot of thought into this approach—that attention to detail shows.”
With Emily, she made a point to share specific positive client feedback and concrete performance metrics: “Your presentation scored 4.8 out of 5 in the client survey, and they specifically mentioned your clear explanations.”
Within a month, David was taking on more challenging projects because he felt trusted and respected. Emily’s confidence soared, and she started contributing more ideas in meetings. The feedback minefield that once consumed Sarah’s management energy disappeared, replaced by genuine connection and consistent motivation.
The bottom line: You don’t need to give more feedback or become a better communicator. You need to give feedback in the language your employees can actually hear and use.
Ready to Master Feedback for Every Employee Type?
Whether you’re struggling with feedback conversations, trying to motivate different personality types, or simply want to become more effective in all your leadership communications, understanding how people process validation is your key to breakthrough results. Also remember there are some people who may fall inside the continuum and not at the extreme.
My comprehensive ebook guide, “Feedback That Lands,” is packed with the advanced communication scripts and team-profiling worksheets for different styles and situations that I help my executive clients with.
This validation style framework is just one of the advanced communication strategies in my leadership coaching practice using my R.E.A.L. Change Framework™— the same methodology that has helped leaders boost team productivity by up to 90% and driven millions in corporate value for Fortune 500 companies.
About the Author
Kaushik Nag is a senior HR executive with 35 years of proven experience leading teams and driving organizational transformation. Unlike theoretical consultants, he is an Executive Practitioner who has applied these battle-tested, science-driven methodologies to not only guide organizational change but also individuals while living a journey of personal reinvention himself.
His proprietary R.E.A.L. Change Framework™ has helped hundreds of professionals break out of their comfort zones and deliver measurable results for organizations, including Pennymac, Amway, North Highland, Fiserv, and other Fortune 500 companies.
Trusted by leaders across industries, he specializes in turning daily management challenges into leadership advantages through programs that prepare leaders to use pragmatic, science-backed behavioral interventions to get the best out of their employees. Learn more about his executive coaching and organizational change services at www.changeforresults.com.